This week I want to touch on a situation that came up. I was with someone and we had a conversation about something life altering. I noticed that he wasn’t really expressing himself or saying much he just stood in disbelief. So I asked him to tell me what was on his mind and express how he was feeling. He couldn’t he just stated a few things but wouldn’t elaborate on any of them (it was like he was reading a grocery list or something). I questioned him why he wouldn’t tell what was on his mind and he said the more he talked the harder it was to hold everything in. As I watched him he kept putting his head down and then finally he went into a dark room where he started to cry. He only let a few tears escape and he tried to do everything in power to not let me see them. So I asked him why he wouldn’t let himself be vulnerable around me because I have so many times in the past. He stated that even though he knows crying is therapeutic and its something everyone does he was raised that men don’t cry because it makes you look “soft.” I tried to convince him that I would never look at him like that but he said you don’t just change overnight he’s a man and he lets it out when he is alone by himself. This made me think about the pressures to conform to masculinity in the text (p198). He was taught to be strong, tough, and aggressive and anything under that makes him less than man. To him crying is connected to femininity and even though we were alone he would not let himself go there in front of me. This is where stereotypes of men come in because men feel they have to be a” study oak” all the time (p236). It’s like they refuse to show any emotion even though these are human emotions! I did get frustrated but I knew that this type of change can’t be done overnight and this is how most guys are raised.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Men let your guard down!
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5 comments:
Daphne. I understand the situation you went through and I’ve experienced with a friend of mine as well. All we could really do at that moment is understand and be there for him. I always thought it took a “real” man to cry or show emotion. I think because men grow up with the expectations that they are not suppose to cry and if they did, they are called “sissy” pushes them from showing any emotion towards anyone.
Blogger Daphne2508 said...
Rachel,
I can understand what you mean about a close friend moving away. In a sense it is as if you are losing that person. I wonder if you feel this way because of the emotional intimate connection you have with this person (p234). It sounds like this person was attentive, supportive and caring which are all qualities that can be found in feminine friendships. Since this can be difficult to find I am sure you and this person will be able to sustain your relationship even with the space between you. In today’s age it shouldn’t be a problem with you two seeing each other which will only help your relationship to grow even more.
June 5, 2008 7:06 PM
Blogger Daphne2508 said...
This is an interesting issue. A co-worker of mine is currently going through the adoption process (she is getting two boys from Columbia) and when she tells me what she goes through I can't imagine. I know it's worth the trouble but you really have to jump through hoops. I did find myself wondering if the process is so difficult because she is single and she is taking on two kids. I also wondered why she picked boys over girls. Even though I know her I guess I have some stereotypes of my own. I thought that single people couldn't adopt (unless you were really wealthy).
She advised my that she decided to take on twp siblings because she wanted the children to be able to have someone they could relate to because she does not come from the same background as they do. I totally understand that because every child is in need of love but I think it's important for them to have someone in the household they are relate to. It makes me think about Brad Pitt and Angie. They seems to understand how important it is for there kids to have a "face” they can relate to. I would not surprise me if they got another child that was similar to Zahara so she can have someone in the house that looks like her.
June 5, 2008 3:37:00 PM PDT
I also have experienced the same thing. Many men do consider crying or expressing emotion as a weakness. I find it very sad that some men can’t even express emotion at family funerals.
Daphne!
Thanks for sharing this blog! It is very touching and I think we all had this type of run in with a man. It is hard to say that men should not cry. I can tell you that I was with someone that cried all the time and it was the most annoying thing sometimes but it allowed me to see his sensitive side and see that he is truly a human with feelings. I think it is the up-bringing that individuals go through because I have seen many men go through some dramatic situations but never shed one emotion. To me, crying is a healing and you have to let it out once in a while.
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